Being Refined for Service

I have been serving in my church’s youth group for just a few months now, and it has been such an indescribably rewarding experience. I have never served before with the desire to become not just a better leader but a better follower of Jesus. And even though life doesn’t seem to be going my way in a worldly sense, I have never felt so content and surrendered to God. It feels strange, but for the first time in my life I think I really understand what it means to be a “living sacrifice.”

When I first felt the call to serve young people, I was around twenty-three. I felt like I could do anything at that time and had romanticized dreams of serving in missions overseas and then moving to New York to become an editor or a writer. I was passionate about serving God, but from the beginning it was about my terms. I was prepared to serve wherever He called me, but I looked forward to “doing my time” and then living in another place doing something of worldly significance with my life. I would give him this much of my time and effort, but the rest of it was for me to control and decide.

Yet, five years later, here I am back at home with a completely different perspective.

After the Master’s Degree (Pt. 2): The Job Search

After a week or two of celebrating graduation, the reality of unemployment came roaring back in full force. I have never been very successful at finding a job right away, and my focus has been very distracted with school and family issues taking up all the space in my mind. At first, I was fine with the slow process and occasional rejection letters. I had a good interview though I didn’t get the job, but I wasn’t disheartened or too discouraged by it. More would come.

Now a month has gone by and the initial panic is starting to set in. I write endless cover letters that are starting to blend together and send resumes into the void of the Internet called Edjoin. I can’t help but compare myself to others who’ve gotten jobs right away or have tons of interviews lined up. I question my self-worth and wonder if there’s something wrong with me that keeps me from getting any offers. Once again, I am on this journey where I can only see the day of job applications ahead of me and nothing else.

In short: job searching is depressing. 

I know that my self-worth is not and should not be attached to a career path or how many interviews I’m able to score, but I can’t help it. I can’t help but compare myself to others no matter how much I tell myself not to, no matter how I try to distract myself. Despite all of the advice and help I’ve received in this process, I can’t quite figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

Sometimes it’s invigorating not having the future mapped out, but at times like this, it’s scary.

I would have hoped that by twenty-seven I would have had it all together, but life continues to throw me for a loop. Let’s be real: getting another expensive degree does not guarantee a job. It should, but it doesn’t. I wish we didn’t treat it as though it does.

But–and here’s the silver lining–as I have seen over and over again these past several years, timing is everything. So, I guess that means I just have to wait. And apply. And wait some more. I guess I’ll read some books or something while I’m at it.

If you have job searching tips, leave a reply below! I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Bottom Line

As Einstein once said, “The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.”

I’ve come a long way from high school and college, a long way even from a few years ago. But one thing I can never understand is timing. I wish I knew why the timing for certain things is just so off. I was offered a full-time job at an established language school in Florence, but they called me four months after my interview. I made local friends abroad two weeks before I had to return. I decided to leave home right when I was starting to settle down, met the right guy at the wrong time, moved to the same city as my best friend just as she moved away–

Right when I think I’ve got a pretty solid understanding of life and my experiences, a wrench gets thrown my way and I realize there’s so much more I need to learn about, well, everything. All too often, I take a look at my life and wonder: “What am I doing with this? Am I destined to be an average Jane Doe?”

I’m barely walking the thin line between enjoying present moments and constantly thinking about the future. I want to enjoy life, save money, pay off loans, learn a new language, explore the world, invest in something worthwhile–I have so many different interests, so many things I want to do, and so many goals that I want to achieve that I feel like I have no time to do anything and end up being pretty mediocre at everything. It’s hard to focus when there are so many enticing options to pursue, and then bam! twenty years will pass and where have your ambitions gone? I get chills thinking about that. But how can I possibly just choose one?

Clearly this is a struggle; I’ll save you from the internal monologue.

There was an article in the Huffington Post that summed up life in our twenties in one phrase: “nothing at all matters.” It talked about the ups and downs of life, how you can be successful and at your prime very young, and then fail or change your career later, and so on. Friends come and go, people grow up, interests change.

The bottom line is: life goes on.

It was a great read (don’t you love being told nothing matters?), and while I’m learning to chill and enjoy the roller coaster of life more and more, there’s a part of me always asking, “What next? Will what I contribute matter?” Hell if I know.

It’s 2019: I have a bachelor’s degree, I’m finishing my Master’s, and I still don’t know anything. But, you know what, that’s OK; I’m living. Welcome to our twenties.

This thing called dating

This past year has been chock full of so many changes that it’s got my head spinning trying to keep up. With grad school starting very soon, moving to a new city, and finally moving out of my parents’ house (for now), a new adventure awaits. I can’t believe I’m going to be joining so many others in accruing incredible amounts of debt to pursue a Master’s degree.

Yippee.

However, this crazy, restless summer reminded me that I’ve avoided one particular subject on this blog, a topic that is a huge part of our twenties but one I really hate talking about on a public platform: dating. Seriously.

From the informal survey I have conducted over the years, the general consensus is as such: it’s hard. It’s so aggravatingly difficult that many of us simply resign ourselves to eternal singleness in exasperation (temporarily, of course, God forbid it actually happen). Why, when, how? are the questions, and bemoaning singleness while scoping and pursuing is the norm, particularly if you’re looking for “The One.” There are millions of people our age looking for vastly different things, and finding the right person at the right time at the right stage of life is enough to convince me there must be a God.

Not that I’ve found one yet. 

And So the Change Begins

I’ve always dreamed of living and working abroad, but I never knew when it would happen. It was part of my distant romantic dream, being in a beautiful foreign city meeting new people while teaching a subject I love. My friends and family (and you all) know the wanderlust that has plagued my heart since forever and set a furious longing to travel within me. But the time is now, friends; I’m going.

Decisions & Timing

So big life news: I was accepted to a 5-month counseling course at University of Cambridge in England.

To Everything There is a Season

It’s never been clearer to me how important timing is in life. I’ve been reflecting on all that I’ve been blessed with these past couple of years, and I’m left amazed and speechless at how perfectly everything has worked out without me trying to force my plans or create and control my own opportunities.

Let’s begin with my junior year of college. That was the year that I went abroad, and I’m sure everyone who reads this blog knows by now that it has scarred me for eternity (in the best way possible, undoubtedly). By then I had taken a deeper interest in Christianity and saw the world in a less dog-eat-dog way. The world became beautiful in its simplicity and complexity, and people became people, not obstacles to either schmooze or step on in the name of ambition. The fantasy of travel as a teenager was a form of escape for me, of running away from my responsibilities. But as a twenty-one-year-old looking at the world with new eyes, travel was an awakening. It was challenging, beautiful, and completely and utterly awe-inspiring.

(Not to mention while I was there the Pope resigned, Italy had no president, and Margaret Thatcher died. Good times.)